Benjamin & Ruby's Newborn Photos

Oh how I love my little Benjamin & Ruby. They were just a couple weeks old when these were taken. And it's taken me oh...eight months to finally share them.  But I am more in love with them now then when we first got them. They are so special and important to me. Life with multiples is crazy and fast-paced and time just blurs and in a blink of an eye my babies are not so tiny anymore. Their precious little features remind me of just how blessed Scott and I are to have our Benny Boo Boo and Ruby Zu Zu a part of our family. 

A big thank you to Trina Harris Photography.

Garrison Twins Birth Story

Well what a way to start the New Year!
Ruby Isabelle Garrison &
Benjamin Martin Garrison
born on 1-1-2014
First Babies Born in 2014 in the Santa Clarita Valley!

My birth experience with the twins was a wee bit crazy and a whole lotta scary! It was certainly dramatic and I wish I had it all recorded on video so I could see myself acting all loco and witness what everyone else saw. Then again, it's probably a good thing it's not recorded. It would be mighty embarrassing.

I'm recording the birth story here for posterity sake--in all it's glorious detail. So...read at your own risk :)

It all started on New Year's Eve. I was 36 weeks. All day I was having--what I thought was--Braxton Hicks contractions. I never had them with Jacob and so I really didn't know the difference. Around 11 am I texted Scott:

me: Are you home early? (He was at work in Santa Monica--30 minutes to 2 hours away depending on traffic--yucky right?)

scott: Prolly around 5, why?

me: Just wondering. You're home at 5 or off at 5? (I was trying to not freak him out and make him worry. But then when he didn't text back right away and it was now two hours later and my contractions were starting to hurt I told him anyways, haha.) I'm having intense contractions all of a sudden. Can you get home ASAP? FYI. Don't walk thru the garage. (My dad had just redone the floors haha.)

And the texting ended there, haha. Scott immediately called me and said he was leaving work in five minutes. He wanted me to call Dr. Izu (my OB and a member of the bishopric :). But I didn't want to bug him if it was just Braxton Hicks. So I just continued to record my contractions on my phone. Now...when I look at that list, I think, duh Cristine. Yes, they were irregular. But there was A LOT of them. I'm talking like 40 contractions within about a 6 hour period all ranging between 5-10 minutes.

8:44
8:48
8:56
9:04
9:09
9:16
9:23
etc.

Honestly, I have no idea what I was thinking. I did call Dr. Izu and he told me that if they were irregular then they could just suddenly stop. But he told me to keep him posted and he'd have his phone right by him all night. (Love him.)

There were a couple times when the contractions stopped for about an hour or so. Which made me think I wasn't in active labor. (I didn't have contractions with Jacob until I actually got to the hospital after my water had broken. Rookie mistake to compare pregnancies/labor and birth experiences.) Well this time, my water hadn't broken. There was no bloody show. So I just sat back and--ironically--watched the movie New Years Eve. My mom and I even laughed and joked about Jessica Biel's character--who is pregnant and tries to have the first baby of the New Year to win a prize. My mom joked, "Hey wouldn't it be funny if YOU had the first baby of the New Year!? hahahahaha. ha." 

No one thought I was in active labor. Not even me. Until, I got into bed and suddenly the contractions  came full force. Again, I recorded them.

11:16
11:21
11:24
11:26

I got up and went to the bathroom. I was in major pain. And honestly, in denial. Even though I knew twins typically came early, I still thought I wouldn't have them til 40 weeks, because...well...I had Jacob at 40 weeks. While in the bathroom, I prayed. I asked Heavenly Father to either take away the contractions completely--because I just couldn't endure any more Braxton Hicks (they weren't Braxton Hicks)--or put me into labor right then and there (I already was). I got back into bed and WHAMMY! Major major pain. I was in definite labor. I yelled for Scott who came rushing in. He saw how much pain I was in and called Dr. Izu. Izu told us to head to the hospital and he'd meet us there. My contractions were coming steadily at 3 minutes apart. 3 minutes people. Scott got my parents (who thankfully had decided not to go to the Stake Youth Dance to chaperone.) My mom helped me out of bed and another WHAMMY contraction! My water broke in a HUGE gush. I immediately said, my water just broke! And... there was blood everywhere. Not water, but blood, dripping all over the floor. I was soaked with it.

I think here is where shock set in. Thank heavens Jacob was asleep and didn't witness any of the panic. My mom called Izu right away and told him there was A LOT of blood. He told us not to worry. Some blood was normal and that he was already in the car on his way. But I couldn't help but worry that maybe one of the placentas had detached, that the babies were dying, that I was dying. My parents and Scott tried to wrap towels and things around my legs and clean me up but I kept dripping all over. Eventually, I just yelled, We just have to go! I didn't care if there was blood seeping through my clothes (which consisted of my light blue nightgown, with yellow Lakers sweats underneath and my fuschia slippers and Scott's sweatshirt haha). I didn't care that my outfit was crazy. I was in so much pain. Just walking to the car I had to stop multiple times and breathe/scream through the contractions while holding onto Scott for dear life.

He got me in the car and Scott sped to the hospital like a bat out of hell. It's only a 5 minute drive but I think we got there in 2. I was crying/screaming all the way, "Owwwwwww! Owwwwww!"

We pulled up to the hospital and I had to wait in the car while Scott ran to get a wheelchair. He raced me through a myriad of halls because, of course, we had parked at the wrong entrance. This is where things get fuzzy. I can't remember even getting undressed. Seriously, as I'm thinking about it now, who undressed me??? I think my eyes were closed the rest of the time. I'm a firm believer in "see no evil" :) Honestly, it helped. If I can't see it, it's not really happening haha. I kept my head down while Scott raced me through the hospital. Next thing I know, I'm on a bed and there doing all the pre-op labs. Izu was already there (again, LOVE HIM.) He checked the babies position which hurt like crazy and yep they were still breech. I needed an emergency c-section. Izu was all business and I could tell he was worried about me. I could see it on his face. And that freaked me out.

The anesthesiologist came in and introduced himself to me. Mid-moan/yell/cry I asked when I could get the epidural. He told me they had to wait for all the lab tests...which would be half an hour! I almost lost it. That seemed ridiculous. The babies were coming like...now! With every contraction I instinctively brought my legs to my chest.

So in this hectic laboring state of things I got asked all sorts of stupid questions like, "When was your last menstrual cycle?" Really, nurse!?! I think I yelled, "I don't know!!!!!" haha. How in the world are you supposed to concentrate on such inane questions at a time like that? I also had to sign my life away on a bunch of forms and consent to all sorts of life-saving procedures since I was about to have surgery.

Where was the calm, non-stress c-section experience I had anticipated? Sheesh.

Izu is a stud and got things moving quickly. The staff actually worked very fast and I was wheeled into the operating room what seemed to be minutes later. I opened my eyes briefly as I was taken in and all I remember was a lot of stark, sterile white and lots of people. Soon they had me sitting on a table and gave me the epidural for the c-section. Lots of pricks in a few different spots.

While they did it I guess Scott tried to walk in and I heard nurses and people say, "No no no! Not yet!" Poor Scott. It was a crazy experience for him too. He was allowed in when the epidural was finished. I was laid on the bed and hallelujah the meds started kicking in. I was finally able to relax a little. As long as I had an epidural I was fine :) Izu talked a little but I can't remember what he said. As I got progressively more numb I suddenly got worried that maybe he'd start cutting and I wouldn't be numb enough! (I have my friend Kim Bundy to thank for that fear.) But Izu assured me he'd test me to make sure I was sufficiently numb before he started. He did a few pokes and I couldn't feel any of them, except one. I could BARELY detect it but I told him I really felt it anyways so the anesthesiologist would give me plenty haha. I also told Izu that I didn't want to know when he started and I didn't want a play by play. Again, I like to take the whole denial route.

Despite the anesthesia, there is a lot of tugging and pulling that you feel. And then there was intense pressure/pain on my collarbone. In my drugged and nonsensical state, I kept saying, "My collarbone. My collarbone. It hurts. Collarbone." The anesthesiologist told me that was normal and gave me something--don't know what-- for that pain. It kept hurting though and I kept complaining so I think he gave me a couple of doses. I was pretty drugged.

It wasn't long--minutes I'm guessing--before I heard my little girl cry. She was born at 12:57 am on New Year's Day. Someone--a nurse I'm guessing--told me to look over to the side and I said, "I can't." Really, I couldn't. I think I was still in shock. I could not get myself to open my eyes. But I kept asking, "Is she ok? Is she ok?" Scott assured me she was fine and told me that they were cleaning her up. He asked me, "So what's her name?"

Scott really loves me. And he must have been in awe/pity over what I was going through, because he let me name our daughter :) We argued over what we were going to name her for months! We could never agree. And it's weird. I had several names in mind for her while I was pregnant. But I couldn't decide on one. I decided I would have to just look at her and see which name fit best.

But when she came into this world my eyes were closed. I didn't see her. I could only hear her. And I could feel her spirit was finally here with me. So when Scott asked me that question, "What's her name?" I didn't hesitate. I said, "Ruby." It just came out of my mouth. There was no other name, like my spirit recognized hers in an instant and I knew my daughter and I knew her name was Ruby. It was such a special experience and I am so glad I remember it despite being so so so out of it.

A minute later, Benjamin was born. His name had been decided months back. Scott and I both love the name. I heard him cry. Again, I couldn't get my eyes to open. Again, "Is he ok? Is he ok?" I could feel something was different in the room and that he wasn't alright. Scott told me they were taking him to the NICU. His breathing was labored.

I started shaking badly--whether from the pain in my collarbone or the worry over Ben or the realization that I was being sewn back together or whatever--I was shaking and cold and in pain. Just in shock. Next, I was in a recovery room. Nurses talked around me. I didn't see them. All I could do was shake. It felt like I was there for hours.

Next, I was in the hall. My parents and Aunt Heather and Uncle Donald were there. I was still shaking. I don't know if I was even able to say hi. Next, I was in my room. Everything is still hazy about that part. I don't remember when I actually first saw Ruby, she was just suddenly there. They told me Ben would stay in the NICU overnight.

Scott is wonderful. He took care of me and Ruby all night and day and frequently went and stayed with Ben. Scott would come back and give me a report on Ben. He cried and cried telling me about how his little body was breathing so heavily and he was covered in wires. Once the meds had time to leave my system and I wasn't so shaky, the nurse helped me get in a wheelchair and took me to see Ben. We washed up and went into his room at the end of the hall. He lay there in his little "nest" incubator. He was so small and so precious. It broke my heart to see him and I felt so guilty--so guilty-- that he had been all alone off and on while Ruby had stayed in the hospital room with us.

I stroked his little, thin foot and he stretched his leg straight out. He loved it. So I just sat there rubbing his foot, scared to do much else. I was able to hold him skin to skin a number of times. I wish I had pictures of me holding him but taking pictures wasn't on my mind. I felt I would break him he was so frail and was worried sick I would pull on his wires and hurt him. The nurses (who were absolutely wonderful) assured me that I couldn't. They said the wires were all just monitors.

Later, however, he was given an IV. That broke my heart further. His little arm had to have a splint on it to keep him from pulling on the IV and hurting himself. Later, he was given a feeding tube through his nose. He wasn't eating well enough. Nurse Katherine said, "He's not a sprinter, he's a marathon runner. He takes his time eating." Ultimately, that became the main concern and the reason why he stayed in the NICU. He wasn't able to eat enough and keep it down. Before every feeding, the nurse would take his feeding tube and a syringe and pull out the milk from his stomach to measure how much he had digested and how much air was in his stomach. Then she'd push it back down. It sickened me. I was so angry! You just want to yell, "Leave my baby alone!" But, thats how they measured his progress and determined how much more he could handle without spitting up all the food in his stomach and dropping more weight.

Each day, I'd walk---verrryyy slowly---to the NICU while Scott stayed with Ruby. I almost passed out the first time. Having your stomach muscles and diaphragm cut totally stinks. Just sitting up in bed required major help. But each day seemed to get better and I got faster. Walking to the NICU helped me recover more quickly.

I felt guilty every time I left Benjamin. Just horrible. The worst mother ever. But I had to be with Ruby too. That'd been the hardest thing about twins so far. Juggling both their needs and trying to give them equal attention and love. It almost felt like I was living a double life, since my two babies were never together in the hospital. And it made me so sad that they weren't able to be. I kept thinking of how they much thinking to themselves, "Where's my brother!? Where's my sister?!" They had been together every second until leading up to birth and now they were ripped apart.

Ruby was a gem the whole time. I feel so blessed that she was such a calm, patient baby so I could spend time with Ben. She hardly cried. In fact, I don't think she did once. Except when the stupid nurses would keep pricking her poor foot. They did the bilirubin test THREE times because they kept worrying about jaundice. Oh man I was so mad at them. Again, leave my baby alone! (And she never got it.)

It was just a painful, emotional, crazy, blur of a time. Longest 5 days of my life. Scott and I took turns crying over Ben multiple times. One of us would be strong and positive while the other one cried. Then we'd switch haha.

I was in the hospital for three days and I was so done. The nurses kept pressuring me to stay for a fourth day, but I had to get out of there. They were driving me crazy. Jake needed us at home. And I felt certain that Ben would be strong enough to go home soon.

But the thing about the NICU is that the nurses/doctors never give you a definitive answer. Each day I'd get excited thinking that today was the day he'd be released and each day I was told "no" or "We don't know." It all depended on him keeping down food and gaining weight. I broke down in his room the morning we left the hospital with Ruby. The nurse rushed to my side and asked me what was the matter. I just vented a bit and told her how I had hoped I could've taken him home today with Ruby. She told me she knew this was hard but that he'd be released "soon." Which to me sounded like "never."

The NICU is filled with wonderful nurses and doctors but it totally sucks. It zaps you of energy and emotional strength fast as you watch your child lay there and you constantly wonder just how much pain and loneliness he's enduring. It just plain sucks.

So we said goodbye to our Benjamin for that day, used our Henry Mayo Hospital gift card for having the first babies of the new year (woot woot! the selection at the gift shop was pretty stellar ;), and rode on home.

When we got home we were talking to my parents and what does my dad say?? "So, was it hard to leave Benjamin at the hospital?" I burst into tears. haha. It wasn't the right thing to say to me at the moment. And my dad felt pretty bad. Boys.

The next day was Sunday. My uncle Ron, Dad and Scott were all going to the NICU with me and they were going to give Benjamin a blessing. As we were getting ready to leave, the NICU called. My heart stopped because I feared the worst-- that maybe something had gone terribly wrong. But to my surprise, I was told he could go home! The new formula they tried had rice cereal mixed in and had helped him keep it down. He gained weight! It felt like a miracle. I cried tears of joy this time.

So Scott and I gathered everything and headed to the NICU while my parents watched Jake and Ruby. It was awesome to walk in those doors knowing we would be walking out with Benjamin. It was a happy day. But my heart ached for all the little babies still in there.

There was a whole checklist of items to take care of in order to leave with him. The nurses had to show us how to feed him, how to burp him, they had to see that we could change a diaper, etc. We had to watch a video on CPR for newborns. He had to do a car seat test and sit in the carseat for over an hour while the nurses monitored his heart rate. He checked out on everything.

Nurse Katherine (our favorite) loaded my bag with formula and things and said, "Goodbye Nugget!" As we walked verrryy slowly down the NICU hall (still recovering from my c-section) all the NICU nurses and aides lined the halls on either side of us and clapped as we walked out. I nearly cried again. They were so happy Benjamin was well and going home too! It was kinda magical and just filled my heart.

*****

Flash forward...the twins are now 14 weeks and I'm just finishing this super long post. That should be a clue on how crazy busy and tiring life has been. Quite the whirlwind. In the beginning, both Scott and I were up every. single. hour. because the babies were up every. single. hour. We cried from exhaustion a few times (mostly me :) It's hard to remember just how small they were, my itty baby babies. Now they're both about 13 pounds and doing just awesome.

Ruby is still my calm, serious girl. And Benjamin is still keeping us on our toes with his impatient demands for attention and food. Life is getting easier to manage and they are sleeping mostly through the night, thank heavens. We're still tired but functioning. We love them dearly and they complete our family!

32 weeks

Well, here I am. (I despise taking pregnancy selfies, but it's all for journaling's sake.) 32 weeks along with our boy/girl twins. The beginning of this pregnancy seemed to be going by sooo slowly. Now I can't believe I'm only weeks away from being a mother of THREE. Life is going to be nuts. But a happy kind of nuts. A tired nuts. A fun nuts. Honestly, I just don't even know what to expect. 

But I do feel bad that I haven't kept as detailed notes on this pregnancy as I did when I was pregnant with Jake. So I thought I'd jot down some random little things about this twin pregnancy:

Food cravings: Everything. Seriously, everything looks good. I want a White Dragon tempura sushi roll something awful, though. But...I'm not supposed to have sushi. And the White Dragon is in Albemarle, NC. I love Outback's carrot cake. Holy yum.  Cold cereal is a staple. Really into nachos. Steak. Chocolate. You name it. 

Heartburn: Boy is it bad in this last trimester. Never had it with my first pregnancy. I've discovered it's particularly bad after eating tomato products, i.e. spaghetti sauce or from drinking soda. I hardly touch the stuff but sometimes I'm just dying to have a root beer and I cave. 

And wow, my stomach is running out of room. It is the most frustrating thing to feel STARVED then stuff your face then feel oh-so-sick because there's no room for said food because the babies are moving all around. It's pretty darn uncomfortable. I have to remind myself: "Pace yourself. Easy girl." But it's hard :(

Movement: These babies move a ton! Particularly baby girl. She is quite the acrobat. Every ultrasound she seems to have moved into a different position. She was head down mostly, then a few weeks ago went...breech. Baby boy stayed the same the entire pregnancy (sideways/transverse), then moved last week to....breech. Yep, both babies are breech. All snuggled up together, their heads touching. What mischievous little darlings.

False alarm: The day after Thanksgiving, early morning, I started having contractions. Double ouch. It lasted a couple hours but the timing of the contractions was all over the place. Still, it got me freaked. The whole family was a little freaked. Scott was at work in Santa Monica and he was majorly freaked. I kept thinking, "It's too soon! I'm going into pre-term labor! The doctor warned me and did I think it would happen to me? Nope. He said to take it easy and SIT. Did I sit? Nope." But the contractions stopped, thank heavens. It was scary enough to remind me that I really do need to be on modified bed rest. It's not like a normal pregnancy. I HAVE to sit and keep these babies in until at least 36 weeks. 

Stuff & Laundry: I've been nesting. Mainly "worried nesting" that the babies could come whenever so I need to feel prepared. I've been Dreft-ing all the clothes and blankets and burp cloths and anything that the babies might touch. But surprisingly, I have yet to buy some diapers! With Jake, his entire closet was stocked with diapers before he was born and it was so nice to just have diapers ready and waiting. Major peace of mind for some reason. So I don't know what my deal is, but I need to get on that STAT.  Heaven knows we are gonna need a lot. 

Stretch marks: Lots. 

Belly button: It's reached its end. I can't even look at it.

Feeling: Heavy. The pressure is crazy. I feel like they're gonna bust out at times. 

Doctor Visits: I used to love to see my specialist. I get an ultrasound every time and get to see the twins' cute little bodies. But now that they are bigger and running out of room, it's hard to get a clear picture of them. And I have to lay there for-e-ver while the techs move the wand thing all over my sensitive belly. It's just no fun anymore. But I am VERY GRATEFUL to see a specialist and have the babies' health monitored so closely. Everything has been going smoothly. They are moving lots. Gaining weight on trend and within just an ounce or two of each other. I really have been blessed with awesome health for this pregnancy. We are lucky. I hear twin pregnancy horror stories allllll the time and I am so happy that everything is right as rain so far. I'm resigned to the fact that I'll most likely be having a c-section. Oh well. If that's the worst that's gonna happen with this pregnancy, then fine by me. Just give me healthy babies that don't have to visit the NICU. 

Names: I hate saying in case we totally change our minds like we did with Jake. (He was supposed to be a Max, but he looked nothing like a Max.) I will say that we are 100% decided on the boy name (Maybe 99%) The girl name: Well I'm 100% set on the name I like. Scott's 100% set on the name he likes. So, we're getting nowhere fast. 

Best moment of the week: I got my City Select stroller in Ruby Red. Happy. 

So, with all that said...I just gotta make it to at least 36 weeks...which is two days after Christmas. Then we can breathe a sigh of relief. If babies are still breech at that time, my doctor will schedule the c-section for 38 weeks. Which would be awesome if I could make it that far. After 36 weeks, every extra week is gravy. 

Let's do this! 

And by "do" I mean sit in my lazy boy and watch The Paradise. 

garrison twins update

Meet Baby A<----- Girl!

Meet Baby B-----> Boy!

Baby Girl will be born first since she is lowest. She's constantly kicking me in the bladder and hip bones. Baby Boy is lying pretty much sideways across the top part of my belly so he's got lots of room. (He better turn head down eventually. Though I've pretty much accepted the fact that I will in all likelihood be having a c-section.)

One of the blessings of being pregnant with twins is the number of ultrasounds I get. I see both my OB and a Perinatologist which is a twin specialist and specializes in analyzing ultrasounds. Every month I get an in depth ultrasound and they've been lasting about 1 1/2 hours to 2 hours long. The perinatologist and his assistants check every inch of both babies. It is very reassuring, though after a while I do get tired of the ultrasound wand thingy rubbing all over my belly--and sometimes it hurts! Especially if they need to get one of the babies to move or turn to get a good picture and check organs, etc. It always hurts more with Baby Boy for some reason. 

Everything looks perfect with Baby Girl. So no worries there. Baby Boy's placenta is very slightly detached at one corner, so I'm not supposed to lift anything. I've heard that rule before but this time I'm really trying to follow it. Though with a two year old it's pretty rough to stick to at times. But all is well. Baby B also has placenta "lakes" which look like pockets of air in the placenta. The worry is that they can possibly fill with blood and interfere with his development. But everything is A-OK at the moment :) 

I have a pretty positive attitude about it all and really just don't stress about it. It's a kind of denial really. I just choose to think that everything is fine and all will be well. Plus, I feel them kick and move so much that I know they are happy and healthy. 

Starting at my next ultrasound, the length of time it takes to look over the babies should shorten. Simply because at 28 weeks they will be running out of the room and it will get harder and harder to get a good full visual of them. So then I'm officially ordered by the perinatologist to be on "unofficial bed rest." He told me my job is to be an incubator and just keep those babies in! 

So I'll party it up on Halloween then sit for the next two months eating all of Jake's candy :) Twins are typically born between 36-38 weeks. So at about Christmas they can come anytime. I'm hoping they decide to come no later than December 31st. Because they would make our tax credit super awesome come April :)

I can't wait to hold them and see what they look like and watch them interact with one another and with Jake. Life is gonna be pretty exciting!

california living

We moved again. Big surprise, right? We knew another move was fast approaching but what we didn't expect was to be headed to California! Heavenly Father has truly and majorly blessed us. It is no coincidence that a job opened up in Santa Monica at the same time we found out we were expecting twins. He knew we needed this blessing at this time in our lives. We are so grateful. We are so happy. Being near family again after 7 years is simply heavenly, and I find myself bursting into tears at little things: like my aunt watching Jake while I go to a doctor's appt. How did I live without them for so long?!

Jake loves being here and it makes me so happy to see him play with his cousins and run to them and hug them. He loves them all. I am so thankful he gets to grow up surrounded by family and fun. 

Scott loves his new job, though he doesn't love his commute (which is sometimes two hours one way--LA traffic) But I am so thankful for that sacrifice he makes so we can have the help we need and be by family. He's working hard getting his team how he wants it and is such an amazing provider, priesthood  holder, father and husband. Man I'm lucky!

And I'm just an incubator for the next few months. The twins (Baby A-Girl and Baby B-Boy) are healthy and growing and kicking up a storm in there. They leave me pretty breathless. I feel so blessed to a mother of three! Three! And feel extra blessed to be able to deliver the twins in a large city surrounded by good doctors and a twin specialist that is thorough and kind. 

I just feel taken care of. I feel like my family is taken care of. It is awe-inspiring to see the Lord's timing in our lives. He has given us the blessings we needed and some blessings we didn't know we needed at the perfect time. 

the babies g

so i'm pregnant. due january 24th, 2014. oh, and with twins. yep, twins. we're still a bit in denial over here at fort garrison. my friend kim said to me, "it's all those double yolks you ate!" and by golly, i think she's right! i ate a ton of double yolk eggs in tennessee. and i didn't realize how potent they were! haha. so i blame the Riches family are their chickens and their magical eggs. so if any of y'all want twins, i know the place to go :) 

all jokes aside, we are excited. scared as heck, but excited. 

for journaling sake here's the whole story:

I felt heavy. I felt like my stomach was already bulging and I had just found out I was pregnant. I attributed that to 1.) Everyone says you show earlier with your second pregnancy and 2.) I was just excited so I was fooling myself into thinking I was already "big". I felt crummy too. With Jake, I was hardly sick at all. Really, my only complaint during that pregnancy was a terrible sinus infection. But with this 2nd pregnancy I was nauseous and tired and blahhhh. No throwing up thank heavens but still nauseous all the time and pretty much comatose on the couch. Jake has watched a lot of TV. 

My first appointment was June 11th with Dr. Williams at Stanly Women's Services. Scott couldn't come with me because his back was super duper sunburned from our weekend trip to Wilmington, NC. Silly guy, put on some sunscreen! So while he was home in pain and watching Jake I went to the appt. 

First things first: the ultrasound. Which every mom knows is the most fun part of the pregnancy--when you actually get to see the baby. First, the ultrasound tech tried getting a picture of the baby from on top of my belly but it wasn't too clear so she switched to the vaginal ultrasound. And there was baby! I was so happy and you can't help but smile from ear to ear.

Then..."Oh wow. Good thing we did the ultrasound this way. You're having twins, girl!"

Huh?

"Yeah, twins. See?"

Huh?

Sure enough. Two sacs. Two babies. Holy crap.

I was in complete shock. I think I asked her "Really?" like 6 times and she just laughed each time. The first fully formed sentence to escape my lips was, "Scott is gonna freak!" Haha. I was freaking out, too. I pretty much just lay there dumbfounded with my hands over my mouth saying "Wow" the whole time. It's crazy how a single moment can suddenly rock your world. 

Gone was the thinking, "I've got this. Done it once before. This second pregnancy should be a breeze." Enter the the thought process, "I know nothing."

It's a whole different ball game with twins and I find myself pouring over Baby Center articles all over again, because this time it's with a completely different perspective. 

So, a few things the Dr. told me about me and my babies: (It was weird to hear him say "babies") I'm considered high risk for a number of things which is just lovely: gestational diabetes, c-section, early labor, hemorrhoids, severe morning sickness, on and on and on. 

The good news: I get a ton more ultrasounds throughout the pregnancy to make sure Baby A isn't outgrowing Baby B by too much and vice a versa. And...I may deliver a few weeks early, which hey, is fine by me. 

So after leaving the Dr office with pictures of my babiesssssss, and a permanent smile on my face, I rushed home to tell Scott. (Actually, first I bought some Gatorade and Saltines and Doublemint gum, then I went home.) I was jumping out of my skin with excitement to tell Scott the news. I walked in, he asked how the appt was (he was bummed he couldn't go) and I tried to stay calm as I handed him some doublemint gum and the ultrasound pictures. At first, he was like, "Uh thanks..?" (for the gum) then as he stared at the pictures and then the gum and then back at the pictures and then at me he asked all confused/scared/excited/freaked out "Twins?! We're having twins?"

And then I burst. I seriously yelled and threw my hands in the air, "We're having twins!!!!" I could not contain my excitement and nerves. I think I'd gone a little slap happy.

Scott had the same initial reaction that I had had in the Dr. office. He just sat there for a few minutes saying, "wow." It was hilarious. Once the news had settled on his brain a bit and he could stand, he shared in the excitement and we instantly started calling family. Jake cried when I said he was going to have twin siblings. haha. I think he was tired and freaked out by all the nervous energy and yelling. 

And so now I don't feel like such a psycho for thinking my belly felt so heavy and big. It wasn't wishful thinking. It was the fact that I had TWO babies in there. So it was heavier and bigger.

8.5 weeks

We are so thankful for these two blessings. And we can't help but think that the Lord really is hastening His work...He's sending them done by twos! Or magic chicken eggs really do exist.

the small things

a sweet picture from my almost two year old.
a plate full of pancakes and strawberries that the hubby covered in maple syrup.
...such tender, little affectations made my 2nd mother's day memorable.


happy mother's day to all. especially to two of the most wonderful women i know: 

my darling mother 

and sweet mother-in-law.

{p.s. since when does my j hate kisses??}

caught

I guess that child proof door knob thingy isn't working too well. He slowly came back out of my bathroom... hugging my razor. It was tons of fun getting that thing out of his kung fu grip.

bye bye binky, binky bye bye

i am flabbergasted right now. i think we may have done it. i think we are off the bink. wow. we are on day three of no binky. sure he calls out for it every now and then, "Bink-y!" (which kinda breaks my heart and I may or may not have totally cried that first night as he searched frantically for it and sobbed so sadly. he clung to me so tightly as he went to sleep because i've totally taken away his security blanket and he was scared! so our sleeping rituals have gone a little less smooth without binky, but surprisingly it's been easier than i thought it would be.

which i NEVER thought i would say. and i have a confession to make: i'm scared without binky too! in the past, if j got too cranky/crying i could stick that binky in there and....silence...instant calm. but seriously, what do i do now if he has a meltdown in public??! how do i keep him calm in sacrament meeting??! how are we gonna get through our 5 hour airplane flight at the end of the month??! i'm looking for answers here, these are not rhetorical questions. help!

i've tried to replace binky with a cozy, uber soft, stuffed animal named "puppy" (he's pretty darn cute.) every time j calls out for binky i say to him, "hug puppy! here's puppy!" i know i'm probably just creating another separation anxiety induced security blanket here but hey, puppy won't change the shape of j's mouth. so i'll take it. but what's worked for you (or you all--since i'm not sure who exactly reads this except for my mom hah!)???

through this all, i've come to realize that both scott and i relied on the binky too much. because it's easy to give in and it's easy to have a fail-safe way of keeping your kid calm and quiet when he needs to be. because, let's be honest my j is a talker. he talks talks talks and i usually haven't a clue what he's saying (but i know most of it revolves around basketball, dad and toy story.) but yes he's a talker and kinda loud. he's my climbing, curious, silly, wild child. but i realized something else over the weekend (at stake conference actually)...it's OK that he's loud and talkative. obviously, scott and i take him out to the hall if he's being disruptive. but he's a toddler. he likes to be crazy. and i don't want j growing up thinking he can't speak up and say what's on his mind. that he has to be quiet all the time.

here's where i guess i project myself on the situation. i wish i had spoken up more when i was younger. mainly throughout junior high. i wish i would've not been scared to stand up for myself in certain circumstances and not let people walk all over me or make me feel that what i had to say was unimportant or didn't matter. maybe junior high and high school does that to everybody, i don't know. but on a whole, i was scared of hurting other people's feelings. which is great and all but sometimes you gotta look out for number 1.

so i want j to be strong and always stand up for himself, because i won't be there by his side during school (or maybe i will. in camo in the bushes making sure nobody treats him meanly. hah.) truthfully, the whole thing freaks me out and i know i'll bawl on that first day of preschool/kindergarten/whatever. not because i'll be sad he's growing up, but scared that someone's gonna be mean to him, steal his toys, not include him, say mean things, or heaven forbid tell him naughty things and teach him about the middle finger.

i totally understand now why my mom wanted to know every detail of my day at school. you gotta know if you need to go all ghetto on some kid/parents. who knew that a binky would inspire all this right? binky=stand up for yourself? in my world it makes sense. so i'll end with a Downtown Abbey quote since everything about that show calms me (my personal "binky" :) "Isn't it the business of parents to worry?" Yep. Boy it's stressful.

feverish

J had his first big boy fever the other day. It only lasted 24 hours but it had me worried. I knew he was feeling yucky because he cuddled me all day. We sat on the couch for hours and had an Avonlea marathon. He hugged me and hugged me and slept off and on. He took three naps during the day which is soooo not like him. Most days, I'm lucky if he'll take one 1 hour nap. The fever reached 101 at its peak. But by the next morning he was right as rain and begging to go outside. Phew. Now, we've got to get him back to sleeping in his crib. Love my cuddle bug.

tender mercies//little moments.

Church with an almost 15 month old is plain hard. Hard because I want to listen, participate and feel like I'm growing spiritually. And it's hard to do that when 90% of church is spent walking the halls, keeping little fingers from opening the fire extinguisher box and picking up scattered goldfish on the carpet. (not to mention half of our sacrament meeting is in Hmong-Vietnamese :) Today, I was flying solo since Scott was home sick. And I was up and down, up and down from my seat a million times running after J. And I was feeling a bit blue and having the whole, "Why did I even come to church?" convo in my head. (All young mothers with little ones ask that question to themselves, right? Right? Please say yes.)

We went into the hallway. Again. And I set J down to go roam the halls. But he looked up at me and stretched his arms skyward so I picked him up again. And he wrapped his arms around my neck. Tight. And he rested his cheek against mine. And he really hugged me. I about lost it there in the hallway. I hugged him close and I stood there in the hallway with my eyes shut tight for about three minutes cuddling the most wonderfully, sweet boy in all the world.

It reminded me of when he was only a day old. I lay in my hospital room suffering from a spinal headache and I felt so sad. I wanted to bond with J but could barely lift my head without the pain increasing tenfold. Scott laid him next to me and I remember staring into J's blue eyes thinking, "Do you know I'm your mother?" And he smiled, almost instantaneously. I lost it then too.

Heavenly Father, and our own children I've learned, supply us with the tender mercies we need. J blesses my life and in that first smile and sweet hug at church today he was able to serve me and send me a message from my Father in Heaven: the blessings of motherhood come in little moments.

At home, I read through some articles on LDS.org about mothers with little ones and how you can keep your testimony strong and growing. This is what jumped out to me:

"I was beginning to feel quite ‘inactive.’ Then it finally occurred to me that I had put the responsibility for my spiritual growth on church attendance instead of myself. From that point on, ... I’d still try to make Sunday a holy day....Although I miss—and need—the strength that comes from worshipping with my brothers and sisters at church, I can still enjoy the spirit of the Sabbath if I put forth a concentrated effort.”  --Spiritual Growth for Young Mothers By Janene Wolsey Baadsgaard

"Recognize that the joy of motherhood comes in moments. There will be hard times and frustrating times. But amid the challenges, there are shining moments of joy and satisfaction." --Daughters of God, Russell M. Nelson, General Conference April 2008

That's exactly what I've felt like: inactive. But having a little one didn't do that. I did. So, actually I feel worse because now I know I'm just a slacker! hah. No, in all seriousness, I just needed to be reminded that my testimony isn't based on whether or not I hear all three hours of church messages at this point in my life. But Heavenly Father does care that I feel happy and he does want me to grow. So I guess I need a goal right? Here's one: read the Relief Society lesson on Sunday whether I get to be in there or not. There. That's a start. Second goal: Enjoy the little, precious moments while my kid is still little. Ok. I feel better :)