tender mercies//little moments.

Church with an almost 15 month old is plain hard. Hard because I want to listen, participate and feel like I'm growing spiritually. And it's hard to do that when 90% of church is spent walking the halls, keeping little fingers from opening the fire extinguisher box and picking up scattered goldfish on the carpet. (not to mention half of our sacrament meeting is in Hmong-Vietnamese :) Today, I was flying solo since Scott was home sick. And I was up and down, up and down from my seat a million times running after J. And I was feeling a bit blue and having the whole, "Why did I even come to church?" convo in my head. (All young mothers with little ones ask that question to themselves, right? Right? Please say yes.)

We went into the hallway. Again. And I set J down to go roam the halls. But he looked up at me and stretched his arms skyward so I picked him up again. And he wrapped his arms around my neck. Tight. And he rested his cheek against mine. And he really hugged me. I about lost it there in the hallway. I hugged him close and I stood there in the hallway with my eyes shut tight for about three minutes cuddling the most wonderfully, sweet boy in all the world.

It reminded me of when he was only a day old. I lay in my hospital room suffering from a spinal headache and I felt so sad. I wanted to bond with J but could barely lift my head without the pain increasing tenfold. Scott laid him next to me and I remember staring into J's blue eyes thinking, "Do you know I'm your mother?" And he smiled, almost instantaneously. I lost it then too.

Heavenly Father, and our own children I've learned, supply us with the tender mercies we need. J blesses my life and in that first smile and sweet hug at church today he was able to serve me and send me a message from my Father in Heaven: the blessings of motherhood come in little moments.

At home, I read through some articles on LDS.org about mothers with little ones and how you can keep your testimony strong and growing. This is what jumped out to me:

"I was beginning to feel quite ‘inactive.’ Then it finally occurred to me that I had put the responsibility for my spiritual growth on church attendance instead of myself. From that point on, ... I’d still try to make Sunday a holy day....Although I miss—and need—the strength that comes from worshipping with my brothers and sisters at church, I can still enjoy the spirit of the Sabbath if I put forth a concentrated effort.”  --Spiritual Growth for Young Mothers By Janene Wolsey Baadsgaard

"Recognize that the joy of motherhood comes in moments. There will be hard times and frustrating times. But amid the challenges, there are shining moments of joy and satisfaction." --Daughters of God, Russell M. Nelson, General Conference April 2008

That's exactly what I've felt like: inactive. But having a little one didn't do that. I did. So, actually I feel worse because now I know I'm just a slacker! hah. No, in all seriousness, I just needed to be reminded that my testimony isn't based on whether or not I hear all three hours of church messages at this point in my life. But Heavenly Father does care that I feel happy and he does want me to grow. So I guess I need a goal right? Here's one: read the Relief Society lesson on Sunday whether I get to be in there or not. There. That's a start. Second goal: Enjoy the little, precious moments while my kid is still little. Ok. I feel better :)